Tuesday, February 25, 2014

you know it's scary what goes through my brain when ever my dad says something that makes me flare but couldn't say anything back because it would be facing death itself.

i was just in the bedroom packing the bed, folding the blanket as he did his usual ranting


i got stressed

and for the countless time

my mind went to the window

as if it was the only escape of this mental and emotional torture



seemed so easy

like u could just unlock grail push it aside

feel that welcoming breeze

climb out to freedom, taste and feel it's uplifting energy as it clears your soul

your feet upon a dusty metal ventilator


and u dont even have to leap

u just take that first step and then off u go







That hurt so loud but no one could hear it

the window

an opening

that foot steps so soft u could've missed it

that flick of a lock so fast you'd never notice

that rumble of a rolling grail so dull it blends to ur surrounding

deep breathe, hold it

that feet, lift it

that relieve, feelin it

your body out there so swift you'd never realize

till your feet hits the dusty cold metal

of a ventilator


that pulse, racing

that leap

take it.















My mind it scares me sometimes





i played a melody at 1:53 PM
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Monday, February 24, 2014

I'm not sure if it's safe to put my blog link on my twitter account.. cus i'd be naming people in my real life, not back stabbing but more of sharing my opinion... if u feel insulted, here's my apology in advance. im just ranting things u wouldnt want to hear and things that goes through my brain



So yeah today is the day i finish maya i don't know if my report was written properly cus i had to finish it in a rush.

Feeling good that im over and done w all them assignments

but

i feel shitty that i pissed off my friends



if they still think of me as friends

i dont know man, they pissed each other off at times

but i never fail to feel that all of them agree that they don't like me to a certain extent


winnie told me i had an attitude problem


i wish i had an attitude



well, i pissed min ru off cus my maya sucked and i wasn't panicking

but i dont see the reason of panicking when it ever does to me for most of my life was screw things over

i dont know .. the normal asking routine i guess,

when i ask something i really dont know.

they say it's a stupid qn and be all so shock and pissed off and mad that i never knew

i know it's basic knowledge, but i really lack that

i admitted, and i know i dont try as hard.. im really sorry for that


but when i dont ask

they talk to me in way that they're pissed that i didn't ask and im just wasting time trying to figure something that was going  no where


and they are very open about being pissed at me..

do people usually do that?

Judge so quickly? to think that they know better so quickly just based on what they see?

But im used to this


so im feeling neutral like cus

people do that all the time don't they?


cus they feel that when ur dumb in certain aspect, they think u're like that in every area of their lives

but im afraid that nt true.


that's why i tend not to judge too fast
when i see someone like me or people who has similar traits


I've always believed that there is a open and funny side to every quiet person, a serious side to a person jokes too much, a gentle side to a person who seem so cold on the outside, a lonely side to a person who has too many friends,  a contented side to a lonely person.


that's why i appreciate people who don't judge too fast.


but at the same time, i dont really like it if people are blinded by their thought of what u could be than what u really are.



idk winnie said that kim was pissed of at me too.. but i personally dont think im that close to her to piss her off, maybe she's just agreeing to winnie's feels

maybe


argh..







i dont know, if im really that bad

i really wish i do change, but if im okay

pls let me get better at things im not good at and is struggling w

but still

instill that gentleness in me i really need that when facing alot of bullshit i never thought that i would wna take


ate jap food w eiris and winnie today and drank beer mhmm :)




MAYA was really good looking :)



























but maybe i really do have an attitude problem, what do i do then?

do they feel and say that out of concern or irritation?





i have a fear of changing to please poeple
because i have been doing that all of my life and i dont wna do that
i dont think it's worth doing these for people hu thinks that i'm never good enough
if im ever changing, it is to reflect who God is

i really hope and wish, really really really
i wna learn to be strong for u God.


i played a melody at 11:22 PM
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Friday, February 21, 2014

so initially i didnt know what to quiet time about because i didn't bring my bible nor is my follow up book with me, but after praying to God before i start, i realize i have things that i can do quiet time about maybe not on a verse but of inspiration of Godly people like Joanne and how she lives her life for God.
Also on the night i was crying in the toilet and i poured out in the toilet to God . And i guess if it wasnt for my exposure to God and Godly people, i wouldn't thought of what came to my mind in my confusion, and i'm thankful for that. that though was to respond to situations that is for the good of others and not for myself, not being selfish and misunderstanding people's intentions.

all this for Glory of God

i'm working for God, so my service better be Godly too!

hahaha

 another thing is that i am trying to do quiet time more often even though i may not have the time or the habit of doing so, i want to give God my best. and i wna put God first.

despite ,my limited knowledge and maturity, i trust that putting God first means everything.

Matthew 6:33
But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all this things will be given to you as well.

So yeah. I am really really inspired by Joanne's faith in God, like she puts God first and let God take the steering wheel. and she really gives her best to Glorify God , inspired me so much to want to be like her.

Colossians 3:23
“Whatever you do, work at it with all your heart, as working for the Lord, not for men.” (NIV)

so yeah she was doing everything for God and not even mainly for herself or her family and that's a really really awesome character. The thought of working for God must've made her work with all her heart. i mean really, if you are working for the high almighty God who created all that you've seen around you, isn't that something magnificent and exciting to be doing? and im sure God is smiling down on her or even right beside her ! haha :)

so yeah i would love to have this mindset in my head as well :)





i played a melody at 9:23 AM
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Wednesday, February 19, 2014

so yep, im supposed to be in school for maya but not everyone is here, i wanted to start on a report but it requires 2 person's work.

i didn't bring my tablet so i cant do shit.

i shouldn't have turned around even though i noticed him.

apparently he noticed me too

then again maybe not

maybe he is thinking about what to text somebody and just happens to look up

i just applied the super nice smelling jeju berry handcream xin man gave me ^^

saw minxin and zerlin when she was on her way home.

Mengfan treated me to starbucks for helping him w his stuff haha

im supposed to do work but im not

i dont think i have a problem

maybe i just need time alone

somehow, i dont feel comfortable around people

sometimes

i wonder why

i wonder if it's all in the mind

or

im changing.


i have no idea


maybe i have always been like that


just that,

the loner side of me is more prominent


then again

this all comes from a person who

always

never fails

to think too much

over analyse

worry over shit'

and

turns into a fearful person



so it must be my mind

this all aint true










i dont need you.




i played a melody at 5:32 PM
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Sunday, February 16, 2014

argh so, my gdp wasnt good enough .. or not to wat that imagined :/ oh well.


so much for rushing home


but arghh i didnt do shit to help them





i played a melody at 5:37 PM
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Monday, February 10, 2014

Hahaha now im alone in school.. i need more days like these man, more time alone to do, reflecting.. next step would be more time alone to be w God... hmmm

hahha had such a fun dinner/ makan sesh w mah gals and danish.. shiping people and all HAHAHAHA

mhmm, i should handle my emotions more
i hate it when they eat me up and i turn into my emotion when i can actually handle them.



i like being alone



so yep.

Today was alright, i slacked alot though.. feel as if winnie did alot and im no where near done...

even with TANI


I'm listenin to the fray now :) (2009)


 damn naise


lemme list out the things i have to do CURRENTLY

Gened is OVER AND DONE WITH WOOHHHHH


GEN ED

TANI:    Key poses and animate (18/02/14)- TUESDAY

MAYA: Texture (but it can be done tmr)

VAF:      wait for danish to compile (14/02/14)- FRIDAY
              group report

GDP:  Do animation by winnie (12/02/14) - WEDNESDAY

DRAW: Scan and print portfolio  (Tuesday and wednesday) 11&12
              Plan on A3 and paint (14/02/14)- FRIDAY


hmmm i got a balloon today :))


and i need to find the recipe for baking on wednesday w Christabel

and i helped Meng Fan w his ps.. but i have not written the instructions LOL

but i think i did a good job ;) (y)




OKAY I DID MISTAKES BUT IM REALLY DONE LOL when i go home, im gonna do TANI


TANI IT UP!

then 'll move to draw or gdp
 sian i better plan now


was nice staying back and exploring ps :P seeya babe!



i had a nightmare, but reality is better this way im not toothless, im not bitten by a snake




but u havent called to reconcile















i played a melody at 8:53 PM
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Saturday, February 8, 2014

Snow patrol / You could be Happy





Brenda, i'd just like to tell you


Pls,

get over yourself already


what is with the thought that everyone should like you best among all others?

That's bullshit

hey,you're just like everyone else

suck it up

It's okay,

you don't live to please

you don't have to

All you have to be is contented w who u are :)

just like how u appreciate the different sides of others,
I'm sure there are people who appreciates you
for ur eccentricness :)

I'm happy that i am who i am

although so, i know there is so much i can improve on
character wise, abilities wise

so grow up w grace, gal

no matter how vulgar some parts of your life or the world maybe

:)

Let's see a smile on that retarded face
HAHAHA






i played a melody at 5:28 PM
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Wednesday, February 5, 2014

Hey! hihi :)

the weather's cold tonight, so windy,

today, was nort bad..
during maya, i was actually doing work and Min Ru was proud of me, heehee :) that made me happy

and after wards me and minru went to artfriend to get art materials.. oh i gotta count the money later

then ..
 eiris came w us to eat pizza hut where they made me laugh till i cannot tahan , wahcan have abs when im w them sia!

AHHAHA
 then we went to get my small prezzie for winnie afterwards which i have to go meet alexis to go meet cherie for follow up!

im gonna start my qt again tmt, cus if i dont, i'll never start
and i'll miss my chance of eating sashimi if i dont (hahha thats my motivation by them)

then follow up this time was not bad..but i gotta start getting serious abt god.. like how i start off

i want to be w God, spending time w people in church never fail to inspire me to want to be w God.. like hha they really reflect Godly behaviors ahahha

today one was on how to deal with our sins

which was something to do w strong holds

i think my QT can start of w reflections on past follow ups and sermons mhmm!
 spend more time God :)

mhmm, and when they prayed fr me, i felt really good i felt uplifted, that worry seem to sip away, like there is hope once again, despite my previous dwellings and emotions , despite how out of time i seem to be, but if i put God first, things will fall in place

God, i really need guidance and strength to control and be discipline.

control my tongue from vulgarities

garden my thoughts w your words

humble me w ur heart

let ur spirit bring me peace

i will not give up God, because i'm told that the devil wil make me feel discouraged and feel like giving up, which i have been feeling these few days, and i didnt know how to tun to you

i was lost, but i should've turned to you

God, i was stuck, but thank u for giving me ur word through follow up today.

i felt ur peace God. i want to rest in u..


im gona start w my work now.. tmr there is gdp, there is tani ..

hmm. maybe i wont be doing work tonight, maybe a little tani

thennnnn, yeps

QT here i come
 let's start w today's follow up?
 :) i gotta build my foundation strong...


love u guys!





i played a melody at 10:55 PM
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Sunday, February 2, 2014

to be honest, i scared and fucking stressed over assignments.. i need time alone, time to do time to think..

i cannot do this alone

but i have to hide myself for sometime. i feel so drained

i feel so lost, like i dont noe where to start but i have to start

it's like i dont know hw to swim, but im thrown into a life or death situation at sea

but in this persp, im not gonna die, i cant run, so i'll adapt, i'll struggle to keep myself afloat


and God, i really need you, to guide me in my planning , and show me what is actually important, i dont want to stress on things that are not so impt and make time for things that do.



God, i thank you for people that keeps me in their prayers and thus allowing me to feel ur peace, i would like to pray the same for them too, and God, i pray that i may trust in you alone and learn not to put my securities on people, but in you.

let me grow in love and knowledge of you on my own account God and not because i want to pls the people around me.. i wan to pls u God, thank you for challenging me time and again to remind me that i still have you to go to in different times of my life. and in Jesus' name i pray , Amen.


i played a melody at 9:25 PM
c0mments the thing that started us off

the hairband remember?
 the one we bought tgt at chua chu kang after the gen ed proj.

the one where u didnt dare to go into the shop because u were a guyly guy and then we end up buying hairbands and clips..
i wonder if u still use it..or have ur snapped.. or uve lost urs as well


i dont even know why i still have the chance of seeing it again

but today i did


i thought that was the last id ever see of it

i felt sad tt i lost it..and now it's here.. but youre not

im sorry

i have nothing to do w you now,

but i still feel that nostalgia

that comfort of being w u.


hahha it's funny eh it's ridiculous,

but i guess u cutting of ties w me was beneficial.
how else wud i start getting over the past



They say:

You don't know what you've got until it's gone

The Truth:

You knew exactly what you've had;
You just thought you'd never lose it.



i remember and i know that my feelings for you werent romantic just that, i enjoyed ur company alot, i cared for u alot, i started to feel like i didnt wna waste anymore of your time.. i knew it was not exactly healthy.. but i didnt know how to phrase it.

i had to much pride.

I held onto the believe that the lesser love i show, the lesser attached i will be emotionally to whomever i was spending time w.

apparently not. apparently not.



2nd day at my cousins' hse and yeah, i went to cherie's bbq just now and came back feeling tired.. i wanna rest but i know i have so much to do :/


hang in there, it's one more mth to go before u are led into temporary bliss

tts all for now, ive got to start something called homework





i played a melody at 7:20 PM
c0mments Does that even make sense? i dont think so, but let it just be eh?

Im currently staying over at my cousin's hse after going over to hers for a cny gathering
and well yeah, im supposed to be doing assignments but that feel to blog (or procrastinate for that matter) is too damn high, esp when i have alot and nothing in my head.


i wish there was something like silent typing.. not touch screen but there is buttons to type on , but they wouldnt make the obvious loud typing noises tt make u look all the more suspicious when youre doing something like bloggin instead of doing something u shud do.. like drawing and planning ur story board..

or collecting photos for gen ed (oops)


hmm so i was irritated today thanks to my sis

showing me how egoistic and narrow minded ive become over the break..

:/ i was irritated cus

she posted a really (in my opinion) .. anoying looking post on my insta

and the caption was.. ewww

and to me i felt that the reason behind her doing was .. cus she's despo for followers and likes insta?

maybe i dont feel as strongly as her but i guess i slowly becoming too mindful of how many likes i get instead of genuinely wanting to share good photos?

then i get all so worked up because..

honestly.

it because i jealous as well, jealous as hell and afraid

jealous that she looks better than me

afraid that ppl will end up liking her more than me no matter how good a person or a friend or a member i try to be

i'll never be enough

and yes, i do realise im doing the comparison

but that is what usually pass my mind subconsciously.. making me afraid and shits which i know (if i was ever in the right state of mind) isn't true..

im egoistic , im self centred narrow minded, insecure

thats why im being so mean when she did that.. and i dont know, thoughts turned into actions and i spoke words that were mean discouraging

and after reflecting here, i feel that i couldve faced that situation better and nort be so ridiculous and let it be.. she is my sister after all, why should i be sad over her achievements when there is nth to hate over a pretty face like her..


then a again, a thought like "she's stealing my fame" would seep through my mind, well yeah, i couldve dismissed it, but it'll soon come back again when ever im feeling insecure

loving her more might be the answer but it takes alot of will power i guess

and afterwards she deleted the post from my insta

and i feel so judged by my imaginary mind

telling me what a sore loser i am to let small stuff like this get to me and how much it shows that im actually that self centred and shits, and how selfish i am as a person


which puts me in a worse mood

but thinking of winnie puts me back into a gd mood sometimes:)


Other than that, i have no fucking clue on what to continue / plan to do w my hw.. if i were to blame it on cny.. it wudnt change shit,
but really how do u even do shits on cny.. trs shud really give us a break..

so yeah im at lost on what to do because they all seem unmanageable currently


oh and there were so many relatives jst now but i just hid in the room w my phone..so i feel shits about that too


like so fucking anti social i am sigh

anyways i guess i better start doing something or more time is bound to be wasted, thanks for listenin nights yall







i played a melody at 2:21 AM
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