Sunday, February 2, 2014

Does that even make sense? i dont think so, but let it just be eh?

Im currently staying over at my cousin's hse after going over to hers for a cny gathering
and well yeah, im supposed to be doing assignments but that feel to blog (or procrastinate for that matter) is too damn high, esp when i have alot and nothing in my head.


i wish there was something like silent typing.. not touch screen but there is buttons to type on , but they wouldnt make the obvious loud typing noises tt make u look all the more suspicious when youre doing something like bloggin instead of doing something u shud do.. like drawing and planning ur story board..

or collecting photos for gen ed (oops)


hmm so i was irritated today thanks to my sis

showing me how egoistic and narrow minded ive become over the break..

:/ i was irritated cus

she posted a really (in my opinion) .. anoying looking post on my insta

and the caption was.. ewww

and to me i felt that the reason behind her doing was .. cus she's despo for followers and likes insta?

maybe i dont feel as strongly as her but i guess i slowly becoming too mindful of how many likes i get instead of genuinely wanting to share good photos?

then i get all so worked up because..

honestly.

it because i jealous as well, jealous as hell and afraid

jealous that she looks better than me

afraid that ppl will end up liking her more than me no matter how good a person or a friend or a member i try to be

i'll never be enough

and yes, i do realise im doing the comparison

but that is what usually pass my mind subconsciously.. making me afraid and shits which i know (if i was ever in the right state of mind) isn't true..

im egoistic , im self centred narrow minded, insecure

thats why im being so mean when she did that.. and i dont know, thoughts turned into actions and i spoke words that were mean discouraging

and after reflecting here, i feel that i couldve faced that situation better and nort be so ridiculous and let it be.. she is my sister after all, why should i be sad over her achievements when there is nth to hate over a pretty face like her..


then a again, a thought like "she's stealing my fame" would seep through my mind, well yeah, i couldve dismissed it, but it'll soon come back again when ever im feeling insecure

loving her more might be the answer but it takes alot of will power i guess

and afterwards she deleted the post from my insta

and i feel so judged by my imaginary mind

telling me what a sore loser i am to let small stuff like this get to me and how much it shows that im actually that self centred and shits, and how selfish i am as a person


which puts me in a worse mood

but thinking of winnie puts me back into a gd mood sometimes:)


Other than that, i have no fucking clue on what to continue / plan to do w my hw.. if i were to blame it on cny.. it wudnt change shit,
but really how do u even do shits on cny.. trs shud really give us a break..

so yeah im at lost on what to do because they all seem unmanageable currently


oh and there were so many relatives jst now but i just hid in the room w my phone..so i feel shits about that too


like so fucking anti social i am sigh

anyways i guess i better start doing something or more time is bound to be wasted, thanks for listenin nights yall







i played a melody at 2:21 AM
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