Stop and Stare | I think i'm Movin but i Go no where..

Wednesday, March 3, 2021

 Damn I havent logged in here and updated it for so long cus i thought i couldnt rmbr the password for this blog.


My christianity phase was definitely pretentious and cringey and i almost wna delete them but I'll just leave it as it is .


I'm freaking 25 years old now. It feels crazy. As from my new blog and stuff things have definitely changed but I still feel like the same person but w lesser determination and slightly more depressing. 


Currently in uni and am not doing super well. Made nice frens and have a boyfriend of about 3/4 years rn if it ever matters. My batch mates have graduated and i still have a year to go. Sec school or poly me wouldve been disappointed at myself now but it is what it is.


My sis is definitely doing better than me life wise and financially wise. That does give me some stress but I'll think my way around it.


Life wise I've been living w my boyfriend and his family for the pass 3 years and I have my own study space here! It do be something I've always wanted for some weird reason w a deep passion. My home at AMK doesn't have space for me after Ive been gone for so long but I'm coming to accept it. I used to be pretty angry about it cus unfairness and all that but I'm not a stranger to getting the shorter stick sooo it be that way for now. My relationship w my dad is still aites. Weird thing is he is asking if im gonna have a baby anytime soon but LEL financially theres no way and personally i dont wna go through that pain.


Coincidentally since this was my sec school and poly blog, I met up for lunch w Yuhui one monday! and he is graduating poly alr looks like he really learnt ALOT in the poly education.


I went out w Mano ytd to get his headphones and damn he was lucky to get $30 off the headphones he intended to get online that was of the same price as the discounted one .


So maybe a description of my morning would give a good gauge on how my mental state(??) has been recently.


You know the feeling of having a long ass break after working ur ass off and wanting to play games in the middle of it, but now theres nth to do u dont  know what to do? 

So yes, that feeling scaled down from a month to a day. If it was a few years back I'd be excited and motivated if I woke up early and have a full day ahead of me to use. But smth transitioned along the way. And now i get extremely worked up and stressed out when I have a good 15 hours in a day for me to do whatever I want, eg catch up with homework or play games i wna play (oh yes ive started playing games) or pack my cupboard , deal w bills or fees. And i get a headache from that. Relaxing isnt hard to do and trying to deal w things in  small proportions shouldnt feel so overwhelming. 

Yet, when I do wake up at 9am in the morning with no schedule or classes ahead of me in the day I get so overwhelmed and go back to bed and only wake again at 4pm in the afternoon. What. A. Waste. 


So much thinking and so little doing, I wish it was as easy as just doing it but my mind just avoids thinking about things in a whole. And I feel like my body reacts in a fight or flight situation and just freeze. Im not even in danger. And then the procrastination comes in which will lead to smth I eventually really have to rush against time for. 


There was a reason that would've made sense with the explanation of my behavior but I'm not in a good headspace to deduce it right now. Probably something to do with me giving in to lazing and not striving. I need to find a way to rework these stupid thoughts into smth that to actually help me now. It really doesnt have to be the same mind set as i had before but just smth that would work for me rn and hopefully in the long run.



Okay I guess that's all the updates for life so far and today. I'll see you when I see you :)

Thanks for listening!










i played a melody at 5:53 PM
c0mments

Tuesday, February 25, 2014

you know it's scary what goes through my brain when ever my dad says something that makes me flare but couldn't say anything back because it would be facing death itself.

i was just in the bedroom packing the bed, folding the blanket as he did his usual ranting


i got stressed

and for the countless time

my mind went to the window

as if it was the only escape of this mental and emotional torture



seemed so easy

like u could just unlock grail push it aside

feel that welcoming breeze

climb out to freedom, taste and feel it's uplifting energy as it clears your soul

your feet upon a dusty metal ventilator


and u dont even have to leap

u just take that first step and then off u go







That hurt so loud but no one could hear it

the window

an opening

that foot steps so soft u could've missed it

that flick of a lock so fast you'd never notice

that rumble of a rolling grail so dull it blends to ur surrounding

deep breathe, hold it

that feet, lift it

that relieve, feelin it

your body out there so swift you'd never realize

till your feet hits the dusty cold metal

of a ventilator


that pulse, racing

that leap

take it.















My mind it scares me sometimes





i played a melody at 1:53 PM
c0mments

Monday, February 24, 2014

I'm not sure if it's safe to put my blog link on my twitter account.. cus i'd be naming people in my real life, not back stabbing but more of sharing my opinion... if u feel insulted, here's my apology in advance. im just ranting things u wouldnt want to hear and things that goes through my brain



So yeah today is the day i finish maya i don't know if my report was written properly cus i had to finish it in a rush.

Feeling good that im over and done w all them assignments

but

i feel shitty that i pissed off my friends



if they still think of me as friends

i dont know man, they pissed each other off at times

but i never fail to feel that all of them agree that they don't like me to a certain extent


winnie told me i had an attitude problem


i wish i had an attitude



well, i pissed min ru off cus my maya sucked and i wasn't panicking

but i dont see the reason of panicking when it ever does to me for most of my life was screw things over

i dont know .. the normal asking routine i guess,

when i ask something i really dont know.

they say it's a stupid qn and be all so shock and pissed off and mad that i never knew

i know it's basic knowledge, but i really lack that

i admitted, and i know i dont try as hard.. im really sorry for that


but when i dont ask

they talk to me in way that they're pissed that i didn't ask and im just wasting time trying to figure something that was going  no where


and they are very open about being pissed at me..

do people usually do that?

Judge so quickly? to think that they know better so quickly just based on what they see?

But im used to this


so im feeling neutral like cus

people do that all the time don't they?


cus they feel that when ur dumb in certain aspect, they think u're like that in every area of their lives

but im afraid that nt true.


that's why i tend not to judge too fast
when i see someone like me or people who has similar traits


I've always believed that there is a open and funny side to every quiet person, a serious side to a person jokes too much, a gentle side to a person who seem so cold on the outside, a lonely side to a person who has too many friends,  a contented side to a lonely person.


that's why i appreciate people who don't judge too fast.


but at the same time, i dont really like it if people are blinded by their thought of what u could be than what u really are.



idk winnie said that kim was pissed of at me too.. but i personally dont think im that close to her to piss her off, maybe she's just agreeing to winnie's feels

maybe


argh..







i dont know, if im really that bad

i really wish i do change, but if im okay

pls let me get better at things im not good at and is struggling w

but still

instill that gentleness in me i really need that when facing alot of bullshit i never thought that i would wna take


ate jap food w eiris and winnie today and drank beer mhmm :)




MAYA was really good looking :)



























but maybe i really do have an attitude problem, what do i do then?

do they feel and say that out of concern or irritation?





i have a fear of changing to please poeple
because i have been doing that all of my life and i dont wna do that
i dont think it's worth doing these for people hu thinks that i'm never good enough
if im ever changing, it is to reflect who God is

i really hope and wish, really really really
i wna learn to be strong for u God.



i played a melody at 11:22 PM
c0mments

Friday, February 21, 2014

so initially i didnt know what to quiet time about because i didn't bring my bible nor is my follow up book with me, but after praying to God before i start, i realize i have things that i can do quiet time about maybe not on a verse but of inspiration of Godly people like Joanne and how she lives her life for God.
Also on the night i was crying in the toilet and i poured out in the toilet to God . And i guess if it wasnt for my exposure to God and Godly people, i wouldn't thought of what came to my mind in my confusion, and i'm thankful for that. that though was to respond to situations that is for the good of others and not for myself, not being selfish and misunderstanding people's intentions.

all this for Glory of God

i'm working for God, so my service better be Godly too!

hahaha

 another thing is that i am trying to do quiet time more often even though i may not have the time or the habit of doing so, i want to give God my best. and i wna put God first.

despite ,my limited knowledge and maturity, i trust that putting God first means everything.

Matthew 6:33
But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all this things will be given to you as well.

So yeah. I am really really inspired by Joanne's faith in God, like she puts God first and let God take the steering wheel. and she really gives her best to Glorify God , inspired me so much to want to be like her.

Colossians 3:23
“Whatever you do, work at it with all your heart, as working for the Lord, not for men.” (NIV)

so yeah she was doing everything for God and not even mainly for herself or her family and that's a really really awesome character. The thought of working for God must've made her work with all her heart. i mean really, if you are working for the high almighty God who created all that you've seen around you, isn't that something magnificent and exciting to be doing? and im sure God is smiling down on her or even right beside her ! haha :)

so yeah i would love to have this mindset in my head as well :)


Isaiah 58:6-14
“No, this is the kind of fasting I want:
Free those who are wrongly imprisoned;
lighten the burden of those who work for you.
Let the oppressed go free,
and remove the chains that bind people.
Share your food with the hungry,
and give shelter to the homeless.
Give clothes to those who need them,
and do not hide from relatives who need your help.
Then your salvation will come like the dawn,
and your wounds will quickly heal.
Your godliness will lead you forward,
and the glory of the Lord will protect you from behind.
Then when you call, the Lord will answer.
‘Yes, I am here,’ he will quickly reply.
“Remove the heavy yoke of oppression.
Stop pointing your finger and spreading vicious rumors!
Feed the hungry,
and help those in trouble.
Then your light will shine out from the darkness,
and the darkness around you will be as bright as noon.
The Lord will guide you continually,
giving you water when you are dry
and restoring your strength.
You will be like a well-watered garden,
like an ever-flowing spring.
Some of you will rebuild the deserted ruins of your cities.
Then you will be known as a rebuilder of walls
and a restorer of homes.
Keep the Sabbath day holy.
Don’t pursue your own interests on that day,
but enjoy the Sabbath
and speak of it with delight as the Lord’s holy day.
Honor the Sabbath in everything you do on that day,
and don’t follow your own desires or talk idly.
Then the Lord will be your delight.
I will give you great honor
and satisfy you with the inheritance I promised to your ancestor Jacob.
I, the Lord, have spoken! ” (NLT)


Jeremiah 9:23-24
“Thus says the LORD:
Let not the wise man glory in his wisdom,
Let not the mighty man glory in his might,
Nor let the rich man glory in his riches;
But let him who glories glory in this,
That he understands and knows Me,
That I am the LORD, exercising lovingkindness, judgment, and righteousness in the earth.
For in these I delight,” says the LORD. ” (NKJV)


ing for God mus

#NP Victor's Crown /Darlene Zschech

You are always fighting for us
Heaven's angels all around
My delight is found in knowing
That You wear the Victor's crown
You're my help and my defender
You're my Saviour and my friend
By Your grace I live and breathe
To worship You.

At the mention of Your greatness
In Your Name I will bow down
In Your presence fear is silent
For You wear the Victor's crown
Let Your glory fill this temple
Let Your power overflow
By Your grace I live and breathe
To worship You.

Hallelujah
You have overcome, you have overcome
Hallelujah
Jesus You have overcome the world.

You are ever interceding
As the lost become the found
You can never be defeated
For You wear the Victor's crown
You are Jesus the Messiah
You're the Hope of all the world
By Your grace I live and breathe
To worship You.

Hallelujah
You have overcome, you have overcome
Hallelujah
Jesus You have overcome the world.

(4 x)
Every high thing must come down
Every stronghold shall be broken
You wear the Victor's crown
You overcome, you overcome. 

At the cross the work was finished
You were buried in the ground
But the grave could not contain You
For You wear the Victor's crown.

Hallelujah
You have overcome, you have overcome
Hallelujah
Jesus You have overcome the world.

(4 x)
Every high thing must come down
Every stronghold shall be broken
You wear the Victor's crown
You overcome, you overcome.



Jesus has overcome, what is there to be worried about? why are u still of little faith? Have faith and work for God, run that race!!


#np/Jesus at the center

Jesus at the center of it all
Jesus at the center of it all
From beginning to the end
It will always be, it's always been You Jesus
Jesus

Jesus at the center of it all
Jesus at the center of it all
From beginning to the end
It will always be, it's always been You Jesus
Jesus

Nothing else matters, nothing in this world will do
Jesus You're the center, everything revolves around You
Jesus You, at the center of it all
The center of it all

Jesus be the center of my life
Jesus be the center of my life
From beginning to the end
It will always be, it's always been You Jesus
Jesus

Nothing else matters, nothing in this world will do
Jesus You're the center, everything revolves around You
Jesus You
Nothing else matters, nothing in this world will do
Jesus You're the center, everything revolves around You
Jesus You

From my heart to the Heavens
Jesus be the center
It's all about You
Yes it's all about You
[x4]

So Jesus be the center of Your church
Jesus be the center of Your church
And every knee will bow
And every tongue shall confess You Jesus, Jesus
Say His name, Jesus, Jesus...

From my heart to the Heavens
Jesus be the center
It's all about You
Yes it's all about You
[repeat until end]



i really want to have Jesus at the center of my life as well, i want my life to revolve around Him, i want to learn to really glorify God in my lifestyle putting him first, not me or anyone else.


Psalms 115:1
Not to us, O LORD, not to us, But to Your name give glory Because of Your lovingkindness, because of Your truth.


and if i need reminders

http://www.openbible.info/topics/doing_your_best


on doing my best for God.
and not the world

for i know my reward is in heaven w God
and not here :)

Aites time for TANI!





i played a melody at 9:23 AM
c0mments

Wednesday, February 19, 2014

so yep, im supposed to be in school for maya but not everyone is here, i wanted to start on a report but it requires 2 person's work.

i didn't bring my tablet so i cant do shit.

i shouldn't have turned around even though i noticed him.

apparently he noticed me too

then again maybe not

maybe he is thinking about what to text somebody and just happens to look up

i just applied the super nice smelling jeju berry handcream xin man gave me ^^

saw minxin and zerlin when she was on her way home.

Mengfan treated me to starbucks for helping him w his stuff haha

im supposed to do work but im not

i dont think i have a problem

maybe i just need time alone

somehow, i dont feel comfortable around people

sometimes

i wonder why

i wonder if it's all in the mind

or

im changing.


i have no idea


maybe i have always been like that


just that,

the loner side of me is more prominent


then again

this all comes from a person who

always

never fails

to think too much

over analyse

worry over shit'

and

turns into a fearful person



so it must be my mind

this all aint true










i dont need you.




i played a melody at 5:32 PM
c0mments

Sunday, February 16, 2014

argh so, my gdp wasnt good enough .. or not to wat that imagined :/ oh well.


so much for rushing home


but arghh i didnt do shit to help them





i played a melody at 5:37 PM
c0mments

Monday, February 10, 2014

Hahaha now im alone in school.. i need more days like these man, more time alone to do, reflecting.. next step would be more time alone to be w God... hmmm

hahha had such a fun dinner/ makan sesh w mah gals and danish.. shiping people and all HAHAHAHA

mhmm, i should handle my emotions more
i hate it when they eat me up and i turn into my emotion when i can actually handle them.



i like being alone



so yep.

Today was alright, i slacked alot though.. feel as if winnie did alot and im no where near done...

even with TANI


I'm listenin to the fray now :) (2009)


 damn naise


lemme list out the things i have to do CURRENTLY

Gened is OVER AND DONE WITH WOOHHHHH


GEN ED

TANI:    Key poses and animate (18/02/14)- TUESDAY

MAYA: Texture (but it can be done tmr)

VAF:      wait for danish to compile (14/02/14)- FRIDAY
              group report

GDP:  Do animation by winnie (12/02/14) - WEDNESDAY

DRAW: Scan and print portfolio  (Tuesday and wednesday) 11&12
              Plan on A3 and paint (14/02/14)- FRIDAY


hmmm i got a balloon today :))


and i need to find the recipe for baking on wednesday w Christabel

and i helped Meng Fan w his ps.. but i have not written the instructions LOL

but i think i did a good job ;) (y)




OKAY I DID MISTAKES BUT IM REALLY DONE LOL when i go home, im gonna do TANI


TANI IT UP!

then 'll move to draw or gdp
 sian i better plan now


was nice staying back and exploring ps :P seeya babe!



i had a nightmare, but reality is better this way im not toothless, im not bitten by a snake




but u havent called to reconcile















i played a melody at 8:53 PM
c0mments
Still Thinkin'


Brenda Lim Synn
17 practically a young adult who hasn't accomplished any thing in my life so far
14 feb 96
Still figuring things out apparently
Faith & Trust in God, Living in His way


In Harmony


God | watchin night skies | sleepin
music | lazin around | family
dazin out | smilin


Out of Tune


Staleness
Strain in any relationship (be it friends, lovers or family)
Crying till you have a major headache




past scores


February 2009 March 2009 April 2009 June 2009 January 2010 February 2010 March 2010 April 2010 May 2010 June 2010 July 2010 October 2010 December 2010 January 2011 February 2011 March 2011 April 2011 August 2011 September 2011 December 2011 February 2012 April 2012 June 2012 July 2012 October 2012 November 2012 March 2013 June 2013 July 2013 August 2013 September 2013 October 2013 November 2013 December 2013 January 2014 February 2014 March 2021


other musical notes


clara
2E3 XD | link
link | link | link


wishlist


wish | wish
wish | wish


whimsical thoughts






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