Wednesday, March 3, 2021

 Damn I havent logged in here and updated it for so long cus i thought i couldnt rmbr the password for this blog.

My christianity phase was definitely pretentious and cringey and i almost wna delete them but I'll just leave it as it is .

I'm freaking 25 years old now. It feels crazy. As from my new blog and stuff things have definitely changed but I still feel like the same person but w lesser determination and slightly more depressing. 

Currently in uni and am not doing super well. Made nice frens and have a boyfriend of about 3/4 years rn if it ever matters. My batch mates have graduated and i still have a year to go. Sec school or poly me wouldve been disappointed at myself now but it is what it is.

My sis is definitely doing better than me life wise and financially wise. That does give me some stress but I'll think my way around it.

Life wise I've been living w my boyfriend and his family for the pass 3 years and I have my own study space here! It do be something I've always wanted for some weird reason w a deep passion. My home at AMK doesn't have space for me after Ive been gone for so long but I'm coming to accept it. I used to be pretty angry about it cus unfairness and all that but I'm not a stranger to getting the shorter stick sooo it be that way for now. My relationship w my dad is still aites. Weird thing is he is asking if im gonna have a baby anytime soon but LEL financially theres no way and personally i dont wna go through that pain.

Coincidentally since this was my sec school and poly blog, I met up for lunch w Yuhui one monday! and he is graduating poly alr looks like he really learnt ALOT in the poly education.

I went out w Mano ytd to get his headphones and damn he was lucky to get $30 off the headphones he intended to get online that was of the same price as the discounted one .

So maybe a description of my morning would give a good gauge on how my mental state(??) has been recently.

You know the feeling of having a long ass break after working ur ass off and wanting to play games in the middle of it, but now theres nth to do u dont  know what to do? 

So yes, that feeling scaled down from a month to a day. If it was a few years back I'd be excited and motivated if I woke up early and have a full day ahead of me to use. But smth transitioned along the way. And now i get extremely worked up and stressed out when I have a good 15 hours in a day for me to do whatever I want, eg catch up with homework or play games i wna play (oh yes ive started playing games) or pack my cupboard , deal w bills or fees. And i get a headache from that. Relaxing isnt hard to do and trying to deal w things in  small proportions shouldnt feel so overwhelming. 

Yet, when I do wake up at 9am in the morning with no schedule or classes ahead of me in the day I get so overwhelmed and go back to bed and only wake again at 4pm in the afternoon. What. A. Waste. 

So much thinking and so little doing, I wish it was as easy as just doing it but my mind just avoids thinking about things in a whole. And I feel like my body reacts in a fight or flight situation and just freeze. Im not even in danger. And then the procrastination comes in which will lead to smth I eventually really have to rush against time for. 

There was a reason that would've made sense with the explanation of my behavior but I'm not in a good headspace to deduce it right now. Probably something to do with me giving in to lazing and not striving. I need to find a way to rework these stupid thoughts into smth that to actually help me now. It really doesnt have to be the same mind set as i had before but just smth that would work for me rn and hopefully in the long run.

Okay I guess that's all the updates for life so far and today. I'll see you when I see you :)

Thanks for listening!

i played a melody at 5:53 PM
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