Thursday, August 29, 2013

This is too good to be true.. HAHAH the weather is so good (going to rain,dim,cooling) , Ive bathed, Dad's not at home, Im blogging feelin all woozy like im drunk yet stable, so stable.. Listening to the songs Kev passed to me.. Mhmmm~

I think I gotta get my specs

wait

Back

hmm... Im meetin Ig fer late lunch and then my cuz Trisha later. Damn I dun feel like heading out.

My Life in front of my blog is so plain , so neat, like everything actually can be managed..
you know why?
 cus I get mind blank infront of a blog when I can actually start blabbering out the shits that been chewing on my brain


my life's not a s messed up as I thought it would be , and I know that


im sorry mum, I love you.





A lot of stuff that been chewin my brain is due to insecurities.. and I really hate that, I thought that moment would have been over, or I could better overcome these shitty feelings, but no..

Recently I guess ive been feelin really angsty.. but angsty is just a word to cover my frustration of being insecure.
im not good enough
im not as good as whoevers
why do I have to lie?
why cause myself uneccessary frustrations?
Well, I have my own reasons, they are not ridiculous reasons.. but they are causing lotsa problems
what do I do...


when is my mind going to b back on track?
_____Still into you______Paramore____

damn do I love that song


ive been wanting to start on a lot of things lately
but im just so restricted by paranoia of everything happening around me
People and social media
One day, I swear, im not gonna use my phone for one whole day, like just heck everything and enjoy coffee, read a book, do a card, draw, listen to songs on the radio

then again itll be boring cus ill be doin this alone


Actually, to be honest, I can do that any time
hahha what ridiculousness is this,
what's holding me back? nothing..

nou wait, my parent will nag,
don't do this here
 don't do this there

don't hide ur self in the room

hell please

I don't even lock the door, sometimes I really need quality time with myself,
I like to be alone , in a dim area
it's peaceful
u feel contented, really connected w ur self then

it's the same feeling as when my dad like to turn n music at night,
sits on the sofa
closes his eyes
listen to the singers smooth , comforting and dreamlike voice
relax
concentrate
and then
set urself into the mood
and sent urself into ur own world
ur problems
ur happiness
ur motivations
ur memories
ur pains and gains

emotionally stirred, wondering, thinking, enjoying, remembering


some things ur do that u regretted?

but if its something u Wanted to do, I guess that okay,
youre learning
you learn the different consequences
 and when u are dealing w the same situation
then u choose again


MISUNDERSTOOD
then again,
I brought this
upon
myself.


Where do I start?
Family?
Friends?
Work?
School?
Myself?
Songs?


Stop
just
Stop nagging

I'll be honest


NO


if I were open

ill be physically locked up

I don't like that


i'll be back later. Gotta head to cck nao


BYE




i played a melody at 2:17 PM
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Thursday, August 1, 2013

Here I am Blogging again.. not out of habit but out of another situation.. I know I can be using this time to do school work but ... I really gotta get this out.. and also make myself seem less awkward.. its nota really huge situation, but if I handle this wrongly, i'll be ending many many many things.. okay im having apples for ucnh again.. cus I dont have the brains to think about what fruit to eat.. only bought an apple today though. MEH NOT ENOUGH why today's Apple so small.

Okay so yes, it's about the situation again. Yeps the friendship situation.. hmmmmmmmmmm....
but whole situations kinda weird. I mean im really confused.. yeah, I know all the odds are pointing towards me... is that supposed to be a bad sign?? OKAY hot milo is good, really GOOD .
WAIT ANYWAY, so here's the deal, on Winnie's side, she feels like i've been prioritizing others, (this time it's Kevin) over her.. esp the situation after last Friday.. Wouldn't have needed to be confusing if I actually said the whole damn thing... But I had a dilemma , if I told her that Kevin had already booked me, she might've said the same thing.... but I guess it would've been better if I actually said it? idk man.. yeah... so she internal flipped when She saw me hanging out w kevin on Friday..... I know the point is... WAIT I ACTUALLY DUNNO

is she afraid that kevin is taking her away from me?
is she afraid of losing me? but she is already contemplating on giving up on me..
or is she feeling that she isn't getting what she deserve?
like I know she has put a lot into our friendship, by giving me wake up calls, jio-ing me to school
I'd be stupid to say that if she was willing, she would have expected anything in return.. that would have been pushing the blame.

im thankful for having eiris and min ru understanding my side, they dont have to take sides, but by just staying, I am contented

then again, I wasn't clear with my words
then again, she is sensitive
then again, I act dumb.. too much at times that it drives the people around me nuts


LESSON OF THE SITUATION : Keep things clear

vagueness really cause a lot if trust issues

saying sorry wont help, cus it's betrayal she is dealing with. but behind this betrayal situation is just having a relationship with a really messed up friend..
yeah, im hard to deal with because i put my principles in the wrong situations
Im not clear with what I want, so .. by the end of this post, I need to decide on how to deal with this situation...

to salvage this friendship and gain her trust back,
I have to make promises and stick to it.

However, im not a person of commitment,
I can't even trust myself to play this part..

it happens too many times now,
putting up an act for a period of time wont help,
because another tie the same thing happens
that will be our 'last chance' as well.

hmm, I realized how full of pride I might actually have.

I feel like telling kev how confused I am right now, about the whle damn situation.. but how would that help? I should ask God instead but hw? geta random verse from the bible off the internet?
 but would that make me seem not sincere enough to figure the whole situation out myself? Then again, others may say that I am sincere enough to ask god for solutions? am I taking stuffs too easily?

yeah I know I can ask her aside and talk things out.. but what do I say?

Okay I dont know if im actually going anywhere with this...

If I were to commit to my promises, what would be my promises?

Clarifying things out no matter how she would react?

On my side,

I cant think of any arguments man,
and even if I can they would be invalid because she actually did things that outweighs what I do..

I cant change because im full of pride? or is it something else?

I dont expect myself to be spoon fed .. because I would not learn a thing..

I should cut my nails soonnnnn...


NO I DONT WANT TO GIVE ANYMORE EXCUSES..

NO MORE FUCKING EXCUSES BRENDA
 WINNIE IS NOT YOUR ENEMY
so how do I deal w this situation?

I can choose to not think about it and do nothing..
But that would be dumb? or wise?
SIGH PIE SHIT THIS SHIT







i played a melody at 1:24 PM
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