Thursday, November 7, 2013

Alright! yay im back and finally settling down to update you on what has happened in just a short week..
First things first, I'm listening to Coldplay's X & Y

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bRgR3LsF_ow

This album is awesome. Damn chill.
 Mum just left for M'sia w her friends.
I hope she'd have fun, enjoy her trip and I hope she stays safe:)

------And we're left in the "care" of our Dad
How fucked is that?
wielding a fuckin cane where ever he goes
Seriously?---------------------

Alright, this week, I have Home-Based Learning but went back on Mon and Tues to do TANI, the moving Jello w a Ping Pong ball for it's head.

Wasted my Friday, Saturday and Sunday still over thinking about that friendship problems.. but it's affecting me lesser now..
This time, I'm not gonna try hard to earn that friend back, maybe this is how we're meant to be, and it may even make matters worse if I tried. It might have been better, but this time, I want to wait it out, because i'm not sure if talking it out would even work because I may yet again say some wrong things, and man, that dude may not even wanna talk to me anymore, I mean look at what happened during Gen Ed last week.. what are the chances man? I'd normally take a gamble, and it's not that you're not worth, i'm just choosing my battles, my energy that could've been used on getting back on your good side can be used on something more worth while.
Well, yes, I do know if I ended this complications I would've been leading a much carefree life. Like at least I know if we're cool or you really wanna stay away from me.
But I guess, this time, i'm just gonna get through this seemingly tougher route.
It's not exactly for you, bro, i'm also trying my solutions, and I really wonder if waiting it our works.
But no matter how uncomfortable I may feel everytime I see you, i'm still gonna try to be nice to you. It's hard to be mean when you don't want to. And I know i''m gonna regret hating people, because that's not me.
Not to be sentimental and girly and emotional and stuff but I looked through our photos (Butts and Asses remember?).. ahaah why did I spam.. but it brought a smile to my face though. I mean on the exterior u have that default poker face that's aloof and stuff, i'm just glad I got to see that open , carefree and funny side of you. Haha , it was great while our closeness and openness towards one another lasted. It was really nice to know you. Although u may act like a jerk sometimes, I have my moments too, and I'm glad u saw me for who I was. Never got to hear your Indian accent or hear you sing made up songs that u do to your bro, but hell, it was good as it gets. Thank you for being honest most of the times and I'm sorry for taking up so much of your time before. Like you could've used most of that time for your family and other friends, I'm sorry I took that all for myself. I wanted to tell you that since before we faded, but I was afraid it'd come out random and awkward.
You were insensitive and sensitive at times.
Maybe not hanging out with me was better as well , then again I maybe thinking too much. I don't think you'd care, but it doesn't matter now.
But here's my advice to you though, don't over promise and under deliver. People do that a lot . And you're one of them. Like you say promises like they were subtle commitments and then just left it like that, I almost took them seriously man. I almost based your promises as something solid. And that's dangerous and scary.
You know, on our last meet up when you told me not to base my securities on a single person? hell yeah I knew (well, almost) what was coming up and what you meant exactly. But I guess that's where optimism don't come in quite handy. I brushed it aside.
Have a Great life Kev, and I hope you'd get that gal you like, and don't ever under estimate yourself, you're a hardworking musician and you'll get where you wna be:)

Okay somehow that front part turned out to be a message for that douche haha:)

Anyway, then , OH YEAH. I've got my first ever battle scar on Tuesday night for standing up against my Dad. I think it was pent up anger and stress that made me lash back and scream at him in his face but I was terrified but sick and tired as hell.
Like why in the world was I screamed in the face and shoved around like an animal, provoked as hell like he knows I won't fight back just because he didn't like seeing that poker face look on my face. That's barbaric.
So yeah I screamed when he pushed me and pointed and fisted my face(he didn't punch me just shoved his fist on my face quite aggressively .. umm i'm sure that didn't give u any clearer image of what happen but my vocab is limited, i'm sorry)
That move snapped my sanity. Hell yeah I screamed. and he got more furious. I tried calming down and stared directly back into his eyes. I wasn't going to back down although he was strength and fist and all. Is that how a Dad should teach his daughter? Through fear and violence? No fucking way.
He threatened to punch my face if I ever do that again, I just replied in short phrases, still tearing and choking on my heavy breathing. Seeing that I wasn't backing down or giving in, he screamed in my face. Like his face was planted on my face when he was shouting at me if I understood a single word he said. He felt like a ferocious violent black hound intimidating another dog then growling and screaming and all.
well, I was already insane then.
obviously
I screamed back.
Bloody hell I did.
pushing my bloody crying face against his.

Rage 200%
Fear Over 9,000!!
Insanity infinite

and my sister cried, so did my mum.
I'm sorry I made them cry
i'm sorry my brother had to see something so ugly and forced to think that it's normal in the family


yeah, he was taken aback and all, spent the night in the kitchen talking damn loudly

But I was too caught up with myself to listen

the whole night, I had my head under my pillow

trying to muffle out all that he had to say

I was tired

worn

sick of life

but on a side note, there was a short moment I felt relieved after screaming at him
but the next moment all I felt was remorse

he is my dad

he didn't deserve such disrespect from his daughter
especially if
he was only trying to change her into someone that is independent
and especially of he was trying so hard to protect her from the world

but what he didn't realize that
she's a person as well
a teen as well
has stress as well
is unreasonable at times as well
isn't perfect as well
is growing as well
has felt hurt as well
thought a lot as well


I'm a nervous wreck
this few days especially ahah, seeing people's name, thinking about somethings can just easily upset my stomach
have been like this since young, still the same when i'm 17 LOL


Feeling kinda shitz cus
i'm not done w a lot of homework
and ive not been having personal time with God
Like , I've stopped QT-ing and all

I need a new book to read
and good food
and chill music

I need to get up and go
work against this "stress"

Kill die me
the weekends are gonna be
BUSYYYY


That's all for updating I guess.. there should be more things that didn't come up to mind , or im just tired to think any further:)

Hahah see you next time!!








i played a melody at 10:05 PM
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